Having
muito tempo to think about "things" while in quarantine and while not working, I started thinking about the multiverse/alternative timeline/
Many-worlds idea,
as it applies to me. This would be the idea being that every decision that I could have made actually has actually been made in some alternative universe.
Now don't get me wrong, this is not intended as some sort of list of regrets -- it's not that, and I hope it doesn't come across like that. I'm generally happy with my life, but I do have a curiosity of how this life would have been different if I had made different decisions.
I can remember certain larger inflection points. And as folks have indicated, the multi-verse is really at the quantum level, and not about 'decisions'. So any decisions I have made would not be the bifurcation point for an alternate universe, but I'm using them that way in this post anyways!
Classical Studies teacher instead of the later decision to go into IT
When I was in elementary and middle and high schools, I wanted to be a teacher. And since I had such an interest in Latin, etc., I can imagine I would have been a classical studies teacher. I did not vary from that until I was in undergrad and realized I would have to take additional education classes in addition to my major and minor...and I realized how little teachers are paid in the US.
How would that have changed my life?
Well, being in IT has provided a nicer house. And it has provided a way for me to save money and take time off from work to travel sometimes. And I have enlarged my life by being in an IT project manager.
So I dunno...other than finances, what would have been different about my life if I had become a teacher?
Moved to NYC, San Francisco, New Zealand
There is no way to figure out how my life would have different if I had moved to a different location. At some point, I considered all 3 locations: New York, San Francisco and New Zealand. I didn't make the moves, but they were definitely in my mind at some point! And that would have been a major inflection!
Taught English overseas
And the last item brings me to a more recent decision: whether to move overseas and teach English after a friend and I got certified to teach English as a Second Language (ESL).
This was a decision I struggled with during my 2015 Sabbatical, and it would really would have involved selling my house. I was not ready to do that then, although I did spend time examining the attachment to my house (attachment in a Buddhist sense). If I had taught ESL overseas, I would have probably returned by now...and been living where? New Mexico? Who knows.
Allowed myself to fall in love the first time
There was a mate when I was attending undergrad, whom I fell in love with and then ended the friendship because of my own romantic feelings. I was still closeted and still mired in the stupid beliefs from my religious upbringing that I had to ‘fight’ my same sex attraction. And once my feelings turned romantic, that caused me to break off the friendship. It hurt that friend deeply, and I believe even to this day he holds hard feelings towards me because of that. Which maybe implies that he had romantic feelings for me also?
So what would the alternative timeline have have looked like if I had allowed that romance to happen? Welp, we would have definitely been lovers. But I don’t think the relationship would have lasted more than a while because we had very different personalities. I think we would have gone our separate ways, but in a more friendly way.
But, but, but — allowing myself that romance would have freed me to explore my sexuality and fall in love again sooner. I didn’t actually fall in love again until almost 10 years later, to my first partner.
So there is an alternative universe where I had that romance and then fell in love earlier, explored my romantic feelings with other guys, and then that might raise the question of whether I would have later still fallen in love so hard with my 1st partner? Interesting question! I don’t have an answer for that, and it doesn’t really matter — I loved Matt deeply, and I suspect I would have chosen to love him deeply whenever I met him.
My 1st partner didn’t die
So…what would have happened if my 1st partner had not died? I mean, he wanted us to wear rings, so I imagine we would have gotten married at some point. And I believe we would still be together.
But that's not the alternative timeline that I have in mind. His death was so traumatic for me that I grieved for him for 15 years. He was worth that grief, but the event itself was just really hard. I don't have an idea of what how I might be different if I hadn't dwelt on him that long.
Never became Buddhist
Gosh, becoming Buddhist probably saved my life I think from a life of supersition. It gave me tools to deal with my shit, and it encouraged me to think logically about my life.
If I had not become interested in Buddhism, I would still be thinking magically about my life, hoping for some "guy in the sky" to solve my problems for me. I would not be as settled emotionally as I am. I would not be as open to other beliefs and cultures as I am. I think I would be more fearful of life than I am now. Buddhism has definitely been a plus for me!
Never became vegetarian
I wonder if this would have had any consequences? I have generally thought that being a vegetarian has helped cause less "karmic blow-back" for me. I have a feeling that I had enough shit from previous lives that I needed to lessen that debt. That is, if karma is a thing, lol!
For a while I was a proponent of "food mixing" before I met my 1st partner, meaning I did not mix heavy protein with carbohydrates. So if I ate bread, I would not eat meat at the same sitting. And I love carbs so much that I naturally decreased my protein consumption because I couldn't mix them.
My 1st partner was a huge (*HUGE!*) meat eater, so when he and I would eat dinner, we would prepare things that we both could eat. Like we would make a pizza with meat on half of it and no meat on the other half.
So what's the point?
And now I'm like, what was the point of this article, lol? I have no answer for that, except to leave you with Buddha's Zen:
Buddha said: “I consider the positions of kings and rulers as that of dust motes. I observe treasures of gold and gems as so many bricks and pebbles. I look upon the finest silken robes as tattered rags. I see myriad worlds of the universe as small seeds of fruit, and the greatest lake in India as a drop of oil on my foot. I perceive the teachings of the world to be the illusion of magicians. I discern the highest conception of emancipation as a golden brocade in a dream, and view the holy path of the illuminated ones as flowers appearing in one’s eyes. I see meditation as a pillar of a mountain, Nirvana as a nightmare of daytime. I look upon the judgment of right and wrong as the serpentine dance of a dragon, and the rise and fall of beliefs as but traces left by the four seasons.”
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